The Rules
by Nightcrawler's Shadow
Summary: There are some things you just know. Some Tiva, Tony/Gibbs father-son, DiNozzo/Scuito bro-sis, Tony/Tim brotherly love, some McAbby. NO SLASH
1. The List

Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS, Mark Harmon, Michael Weatherly, Cote de Pablo, Sasha Alexander, Pauley Perrette, Sean Murray, David McCallum, or David Dietzen.

A/N: First EVER NCIS fic, so be gentle. Any and all mistakes are all mine, let me know what they are so I can fix them!

And to all my loyal readers (if any of you are reading this, it is a rather large jump from my regular stuff) know that I am not abandoning any of my other stories, I'm just taking a short break to get their plot line moving again.

oOo

**Gibbs' ****Unspoken**** Rules/Facts of the MCRT/Forensics Lab/Autopsy/Elevator**

1: Abby gets a Caff-Pow, _always_.

2: McGee will hack into the FBI or CIA database with only a look...from Gibbs of course.

3: Ziva can kill someone with a paperclip, but she will only threaten Tony with said death.

4: Abby will wear pink, but only when she dances in the rain.

5: Tony can be convinced to dance in the rain if you promise to make gumbo.

6: Ducky's stories will always be finished later.

7: Jimmy is the only person who will _ask_ Ducky to continue a story.

8: The elevator is for Gibbs' use at whatever and whenever he wants, the stairs are suggested.

9: Do not touch Bert. If you have to ask who Bert is, you should _never_ go into the Forensics lab.

10: Giving Tony painkillers will ensure an interesting evening.

11: If you feel nauseous , do not ride in the van/car while a) Gibbs is driving b) Ziva is driving c) Tony is on painkillers.

12: Tony once shot someone for putting their hand up Abby's skirt, and he would do so again in a heartbeat.

13: Tim has a picture perfect swirly technique; do _not_ tempt him to use it.

14: Ziva is a good cook, but if you tick her off, she may poison you. BEWARE.

15: Gibbs should not have to speak for you to know what to do.

16: NCIS gets jurisdiction!

17: Tony will get framed for murder at least once a year.

18: Abby without caffeine is like Gibbs without coffee.

19: Tony has only gotten truly piss-drunk on 15 separate occasions in his life.

20: Beware the sniper rifle.

21: Autopsy is a good place for a hook-up at night.

22: Tony once tackled Gibbs, he was head slapped, and then given an 'attaboy' when Gibbs saw the bullet hole where his head had been a few seconds before.

23: Head slaps are a form of affection.

24: Kate and sniper rifles don't mix.

25: Neither does Tony and the plague.

26: Or Gibbs and drug dealers/rivers.

27: Or Abby and crazy ex-es.

28: Or Ziva and Saleem.

29: Gibbs has a father, and he's awesome.

30: Tony's father is a sad excuse of a parent compared to Gibbs.

31: Agent Tommy and Officer Lisa will 'get it on' in the sequel.

32: Abby hated Tony at first then realized he liked the art she hung in her lab.

33: The roses Tony gives Abby every year for her birthday always have a new collar wrapped around them.

34: Tim and Tony will bicker until they're mute, but they will shoot anyone else that tries to take a hit at the other.

35: Abby and Ziva go shopping once a month; this is proven by the cargos Abby has that do not have chains, and the lacy black dress Ziva owns.

36: Paris: Foreshadowing.

37: Abby plus duct tape, means you're screwed.

38: So does Abby and superglue.

39: Tony and Abby have seen each other naked, but have never slept with each other.

40: Tony has Gibbs-radar.

41: Gibbs will always turn up in Abby's lab before the 'ding'

42: Do not ask Gibbs to choose. Gibbs always has, and always will, choose Tony.

43: Screw the rules, you do what you have to for family.

A/N: I AM CONTINUING THIS! The following chapters will each be a short one-shot, based on one or more of the rules above.

Review please and love ya long time!


	2. Grab Shot

Chapter 1: Grab Shot

Disclaimer: See chapter 1.

A/N: There will be some Kate and some Ziva throughout this story, and in no particular order. Enjoy!

12: Tony once shot someone for putting their hand up Abby's skirt, and he would do so again in a heartbeat.

oOo

Kate didn't know what had happened exactly. She had gone to grab her bag from the van, leaving Tony and Abby (who had come along due to the long distance of the trip) with the FBI liaison that had been assigned to them; Agent...Something or Other.

Now she was back, her hair a mess of flyaway's due to the gunshot that had sent her racing back to the sight. The FBI agent was on the ground, cursing loudly as he held his leg that was bleeding slightly, Abby was staring blankly between Agent Whatever and Tony, who had his gun extended and a glare worthy of Gibbs fixed in place.

"She said: leave her alone." He holstered his gun, "And stop whimpering, it's just a flesh wound. You won't even get a limp."

Kate gaped for a few more seconds before storming in, "What the Hell, DiNozzo?"

Tony looked to her and grinned cheekily, but his eyes were icy, "Did anyone ever tell this idiot _not_ to grope Abby? It would have made this whole thing a hell of a lot easier."

She spluttered, "You shot him for flirting?"

"I shot him for grabbing her ass." He bit back harshly, sending another glare at the FBI agent for good measure.

Abby suddenly came out of her shock induced silence, "Nice shot Tony." She got out in a surprisingly calm tone.

Kate threw up her arms, "You two are impossible!"

Abby smiled, the sparkle of fear in her eyes petering out to glimmers of love, "Yes we are." She threw a fond smile to the Special Agent that was now hovering protectively at her shoulder.

"Tony, you could get fired for this."

"He didn't get fired the first time." Abby chimed.

"...What?" Kate was in disbelief.

"Yeah, that was when Gibbs created a new rule...Well, it doesn't really have a number, but it's still a rule!"

"And what is it?" Kate felt a headache coming on.

"You don't screw around with my little sister." Tony said with a positively shit-eating grin.

Kate only shook her head, only mildly surprised by the title Tony had bestowed on the young forensic scientist.

"Of course."

oOo

Love ya long time and please review!

Shadow's Rule of Reviews: This may sound bitchy, but I want to know your thoughts. There has to be 25 reviews before I update again, I have another chapter all ready to go, but you guys need to tell me what you think first. (anonymous reviews accepted)


	3. The Hippo Factor

Chapter 3: The Hippo Factor

Disclaimer: Chapter 1

9: Do not touch Bert. If you have to ask who Bert is, you should _never_ go into the Forensics lab.

"Put. The hippo. _Down!_" the probie dropped the stuffed animal back to its resting place on the counter and turned with his hands up to see Abby, holding a large, shiny needle, glaring him down.

"You _never_ touch Bert. Got it?" she hissed, eyes narrowing.

"Y-yes ma'am." The probie stammered.

"Now get out of my lab." She ordered, using the needle to point to the doorway.

"Yes ma'am." The probie scurried from the forensics lab, bumping into Tony and McGee as he did so.

McGee and Tony watched with identical expressions of amusement as the young agent fidgeted while waiting for the elevator. Stepping into the lab they greeted Abby with twin smiles.

"Y'know, you guys freak me out when you get along." She muttered, picking up Bert and hugging him tightly.

"He touched Bert?" McGee asked, slightly amused, but not at the fact that Abby was upset.

She nodded and hugged the stuffed animal tightly causing a burst of flatulence.

"Aw Abs, do you want us to Gibbs Slap him?" Tony kissed the top of her head and wrapped a brotherly arm around her shoulders and hugging her to his side.

She smiled up at the older boys who she loved so much, "Thanks guys, but I think he learned his lesson."

"Why?"

"I was holding one of the bone marrow needles Ducky leant me when I yelled at him." A sinister smirk turned up her dark lips.

Tony shuddered, having actually been stuck with one of those during one of his numerous hospital stays. Tim just paled, having actually _seen_ that happen to Tony (he honestly didn't remember why, but the memory itself was seared into his mind).

They looked over Abby's head at each other.

"Yeah, I think Bert is safe."

"Definitely."

"Do I still get kisses?"

They grinned and each leaned down to kiss her on the cheek.

oOo

A/N: MERRY CHRISTMAS! In the spirit of the holiday, I'm updating early, but in order to get the next update, I need there to be at least 35 reviews.

Thanks and love ya long time!


	4. Always With You

Chapter 4: Always With You

39: Tony and Abby have seen each other naked, but have never slept with each other.

"Tony?" Abby whispered into the dark.

"Abs?" Tony's voice was hoarse and thick.

Abby switched on her small flashlight –the one Kate had given her to keep on her keychain- and aimed the thin stream of light towards the corners of her office, finding Tony hunched over in the second one.

"Baby..." she rushed over to him and took his face in her hands. He looked awful. There were dark smudges under his eyes from lack of sleep, his normally vibrant green eyes were flat and dull, bruises marked his arms that were coated in goose bumps from only wearing a thin t-shirt, and he was filthy. Layers of grime, dirt, blood and God knew what else covered his skin.

"How'd you know I'd be here?" he asked, his eyes shutting as she carefully supported his head in her hands, drawing in the warmth and support he ached for so badly.

She smiled sadly, "Tony-boy I know you better than I know my little brother."

"S'cause m'your _big_ brother." He slurred from exhaustion.

She giggled, "Yeah, you are...I heard you were back from that undercover stint finally. I knew you'd want to be somewhere you felt safe...You feel safe here."

"Yeah...Abby?"

"Yeah baby?"

"I feel like crap."

"Well, you don't look too hot either, DiNozzo." She hugged him to her chest, rubbing a gentle, black manicured hand up and down his cold arm.

"Just want a shower and bed." He moaned.

"Okay, let's see what we can do about that, huh?" she wrapped her arms underneath his, "C'mon." He helped him stand and let him lean on her as she led the way out of the lab and down to the showers.

"We'll get you all cleaned up, then I'll take you home and you and I can curl up and sleep."

"In the coffin?" he sounded hopeful.

"In the coffin." She assured him. She knew why _she_ liked to sleep in her coffin, but she never understood why Tony liked it.

"I feel safe there, with you." He mumbled, seemingly reading her mind.

"I missed you." He whispered as they entered the showers, the stalls lined up against one long wall. Their footsteps echoed in the tiled room.

"Missed you too. Now c'mon, clothes off." She helped him ease his tall frame down onto the bench; the bright fluorescent lights making him seem paler than her dark lab had.

"Arms up." She pulled –more like peeled- his t-shirt up from his sweaty body and tossed it to the side, wincing when she saw the artwork on his body that had been created by yellow, blue and purple bruises.

Tony leaned his head back against the cool tile of the wall as she pulled off his shoes and socks before shimmying him out of his jeans.

She looked up to see Tony watching her through lidded eyes, only a sliver of green showing.

"You okay with me doing this?"

"Yeah, not the first time."

She smiled sadly, because it was true. This wasn't the first time, and it probably wouldn't be the last time, that she'd had to help Tony get cleaned up after a mission, he was usually too hyped up on adrenaline at the very end for Gibbs to notice if his Senior Field Agent was badly injured. It wasn't that he didn't care; it was that Tony didn't want anyone to worry, and Gibbs was at the top of that 'Don't Worry' list.

"Okay, I'm gonna get the water running, then I'll help you, okay?"

He nodded and she kissed him quickly on the cleanest part of his cheek she could find.

"Don't fall asleep on me Hot-Shot."

He smirked at her old nickname for him, before he'd gotten on her good side, she'd always called him hot-shot, or if she was in a bad mood and Gibbs wasn't there, it was just: "Hey you!"

Abby pattered off to the nearest stall in a jingle of chains and spikes. She turned the knob and water started spraying from the showerhead. Checking the temperature with her hand, she nodded to herself and started undressing. First came the numerous rings, necklaces and other assorted jewellery pieces, and then came her tank top, mini skirt, leggings and combat boots. When she was finally down to the bare minimum she went back to kneel next to her best friend.

"Sweetie?" she ran a hand through his hair and he opened his eyes, apparently having caught a quick cat-nap in the ten minutes it had taken her to get undressed and start the shower.

"Ready for that shower now?" he nodded and she helped him up and out of his underwear before she manoeuvred him under the hot water.

Making sure he was okay to lean against the wall she pulled off her underwear and bra and joined him under the hot spray.

Tony continued to lean against the wall as she ran soap over his body and then shampoo in his hair.

"C'mon Tony-boy, time to rinse off." She helped him stand under the hot water, running her fingers through his hair to rinse out the shampoo. She watched as the water that ran down the drain became a murky brown-red, a mix of dirt and blood. Thankfully, only a bit of the blood was actually Tony's.

"Oh Tony." She whispered sadly, her voice thick as his had been earlier in her lab. Tears pooled in her eyes and she wrapped her arms around Tony from behind, burying her face in his back as she cried soundlessly, feeling the rise and fall of Tony's chest, the beating of his heart and the warmth of his skin. Everything reminding her he was still alive.

She felt Tony shift in her arms and soon he had turned around and they were hugging properly. His hands in her long, wet hair, hers at the base of his neck and mid back. Neither cared that they were naked, only that the other was there. For them or with them it didn't matter.

"You ready for that nap now?"

She heard his weak smile in his voice, "Only if you come with me."

"Always, Tony, always."

oOo

A/N: In honour on the EPIC episode this week, I decided to post a bit early. (expect another chapter in about two weeks, in honour of what is sure to be the incredible episode _Baltimore_, where Tony's past as a cop is apparently going to be explored –squee!- can't wait!)

I love you all...in very weird ways, very, very weird ways...

Also, there is a poll on my profile concerning this story, check it out!


	5. Rain Dance

Chapter 5: Rain Dance

4: Abby will wear pink, but only when she dances in the rain.

5: Tony can be convinced to dance in the rain if you promise to make gumbo.

Her pink dress stuck to her skin as she raised her face to the sky, arms outstretched as is if to embrace the storm itself. Her black hair ran in wet streams down her back, her bangs plastered to her forehead and her face was free of all make up as she beamed skyward.

A laugh bubbled up in her chest and spilled over her lips as she spread her arms from side to side like wings and started spinning.

As she spun the world twisted around her in a grey and blue spiral, then a red coloured splotch appeared. Abby stopped spinning and blinked dizzily at the man standing under the awning of her apartment building.

"Hey Tony." Her smile was slightly lopsided as she wavered in her attempt to stand upright.

His grin was undeniable, "What are you doing, Abs?"

She smirked, "Dancing."

"In the rain."

"Yep."

"Why?"

"Because I can." She spun again, arms up like a ballerina.

"Dance with me, Tony!" she called, her voice filled with unmistakable, childish glee.

"I'll get soaked, Abby."

"I'll make my world-famous Scuito gumbo." She batted her eyes prettily, knowing Tony couldn't resist _The Face_.

He shifted from foot to foot, looking to the sky hesitantly before letting out a defeated sigh and bolting to meet her in the downpour.

By the time he reached her, he was soaked from head to toe. His red t-shirt sticking to his tanned skin, normally well groomed hair dripping with moisture, and eyes alive with a happiness that he often had to fake.

She squealed as he grabbed her hand and led her in a very outrageous version of Salsa dancing, their twists and turns fumbling in the puddles that sent up more showers of rain water. Their laughter joining together in symphony with the thunder and pitter-patter of the water droplets hitting the street.

oOo

A/N: Something cute and fluffy for Easter! (also, the poll mentioned last chapter had wrapped)

I still love you all in very weird ways!

Your friendly neighbourhood Goth.


	6. The First Day

Chapter 5: The First Day

A/N: Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit...there is cheering and screaming in my head! If you have not watched the most recent episode of NCIS...I pity you so much.

8: The elevator is for Gibbs' use at whatever and whenever he wants, the stairs are suggested.

The elevator was broken. It had to be. That was the only possible explanation for its sudden stop between floors.

The probie agent checked his watch, yep, definitely broken. It hadn't moved in over five minutes.

"If you're waiting for the elevator, you're better off taking the stairs." An older agent elbowed the probie.

"Yeah, I know, it's broken."

The agent snorted, "Yeah, sure it is."

The probie watched the agent with an odd expression on his face and headed towards the stairwell when the elevator dinged and the doors slid open.

Out stepped Special Agent Gibbs –hard not to recognize the silver haired, ex-marine- and a well-dressed, dirty blonde haired younger agent, who was rubbing the back of his head, a grimace on his handsome features.

The probie couldn't help but stare as the two agents headed to their desks. Looking to the older agent he saw the other man was smirking.

"The elevator is for Gibbs' use, the stairs are suggested heavily by the rest of the staff." He patted the younger agent's shoulder, "Good luck."

Swallowing hard he gave another quick glance over to the MCRT area and saw the other agent –DiNozzo, he remembered- swat the back of the head of the another agent –Tom, Tim?- and could only stare.

_Welcome to NCIS_…

oOo

A/N: Okay, now that I've calmed down slightly I have one request: no stupid reviews. I want your opinions, thoughts, comments and reflections. No stories about third cousins unless it's _actually_ relative. Thank you, and sorry if this is bitchy, but I deal with seriously annoying people _ever freaking day_, so it would be awesome if you didn't tick me off because I have enough trouble keeping my temper with teachers who think they know _everything_ about you, because of one or two conversations.

And now I'm ranting, sorry again for sounding bitchy, but I'm sure all of you who have to, or have had to, deal with people like that understand.

P.P.S. Didn't realize it, but I missed a chapter 3 when labeling the chapters (ahahahahahahahahahaha!)


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